Undefined.

The definition of defined is as follows:

determined, fixed, or clearly marked out as to extent, outline, or form.

But why is this generation so scared of their lives being clearly marked out and having structure? Why are we so obsessed with living undefined?

Listen, I’m all for no labels or fluidity when it comes to gender or sexuality or fashion. But why now does everybody want relationships that are undefined, never knowing where you stand with somebody?

When I was younger, we had a firm structure on how relationships worked and progressed.

You were speaking, you then moved on to meeting. If you enjoyed their company, you’d then start seeing each other. And finally if that all went well, you would make it official (by putting it on Facebook) and you were in a relationship.

It was tedious, probably a bit excessive, but at least you always knew the progress of your relationship.

Now we DM each other, like pictures on social media, do bits or have sex and it all comes under the category of ‘chilling.’ We put ourselves out there and wait to be mugged off, or we turn the tables and become the savage. We turn our noses up at our friends relationships because they managed to get past this milestone of ‘chilling’ with somebody. We talk about how they’re on ‘lockers’ and are obsessed with their significant other. We watch them with hawk eyes and pick apart pieces of their relationship to try and convince ourselves that we’re in a better position being single or being undefined and open to deal with more than one person.

I don’t understand why it’s such a bad thing now to be in an old fashioned monogamous relationship, why that isn’t enough for us anymore. We have polyamory and open relationships now, we can act single and sleep around but still have somebody to come home to after it all. We can now have more than one person to come home to, it’s all socially accepted to some extent.

It’s all a bit complicated for me to get my head around. I don’t fully understand it, but I still respect it.

It’s just not my cup of tea, call me old fashioned…

I want to be enough for somebody.

And I’m happy to wait for it,

Jacknowledged.

I’ve started dancing in my underwear.

It’s 4 AM and I’m sat at my laptop, feeling very Carrie Bradshaw, thinking about the things I’ve done over the past two years.

Circa 2015, I decided to walk away from the path I’d been set on for as long as I can remember. I decided to leave performing behind, I’d fallen out of love with it. And this wasn’t just me deciding not to act. I dropped out of university at the end of my first year, moved back home and sort of plateaued, both academically and creatively. I had no clue where to go from there. And after a really difficult couple of months, there wasn’t really much drive left in me to find a new path.

I became somewhat of a recluse for a while. I stayed locked away in my room, Netflix as my only companion, away from everyone’s questions about what my plan was and what I was doing next. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I was convinced that I was going to have a nervous breakdown over my future. I’m not the best at making decisions for myself (ask anybody who has waited for me to pick an item from a menu whilst out eating).

That was three years ago, and now I’m more about concentrating on the small victories. I’m doing this cool new thing where I don’t allow situations to stress me out or put any weight on my shoulders. I’m ‘living my best life.’

All the cool kids are doing it!

Here are some small victories that helped me get back on track:

1. I got a job. 

I had never considered that moving back home would result in me now paying rent, to stay in the bedroom I’d taken for granted all of my life. I needed some source of income. And that’s when i entered a new chapter in my life. I was employed, this zero hour contract had given me somewhat of a sense of purpose again! Who knew this job would be the breeding ground for some of my most iconic friendships…

2. I made friends.

In the early days of what is now known as SlayTG, I was a little bashful lamb who was still recovering from my self quarantine. That’s when my fellow newbie Georgie Gucci Googan (Memoirsofagagan) took me under her wing and was shook when she realised that by making me feel more comfortable, she’d released the beast. Jack T was resurrected, crystallised and ready to hit the runway Kennedy Davenport style. And from there came a group of sarcastic, sassy, sickening young adults who have all most definitely earned ourselves one way tickets to hell when we meet our demise. Our humour is not for the faint of heart and absolutely NSFW.

3. I started writing again.

When you’ve had time to reflect on your darkest hours and painful experiences, it can be hard to speak about them or deal with them. Ever since I’d moved home from university, my inspiration and creativity had been on life support, about to flat line. Then one night after one too many pitchers of purple rain from spoons, I was lay in my bed, dressing gown on and a tad squiffy. I listened to Lana Del Rey and naturally that got me feeling some type of way. And that’s when it happened. My creative mind, which had laid dormant for months erupted into raptures of thoughts and feelings. I was filled with things I wanted to say. And ideas about how I wanted to say them. All the shit I’d suppressed and refused to think about was now brimming at the surface. My pain was fuelling my creativity. Pen hit paper and that was that.

4. I accepted Gin into my life.

I’ve been drinking since I was about 12, I graduated from WKD and Smirnoff Ice when I was 14. That’s when I started my long, monogamous relationship with Vodka. Through the good times and the bad, it was always my drink of choice (apart from a brief affair I had with southern comfort). I can’t actually remember the first time I tried gin, I just remember describing it as drinking petrol. I still agree with that statement. Over the past few years, my love for the old ‘Mother’s ruin’ has blossomed. And now apparently it’s been proven that those who drink gin are most likely to be psychopaths, so it’s very fitting!

5. I started saying no.

I was once what you would consider a ‘yes man.’ I’d be too focused on pleasing those around me that I allowed them to manipulate me into positions and scenarios that I didn’t want to be in. At work, at home, within my friendships. I finally snapped and decided ‘fuck it.’ I started saying no to going to gatherings I didn’t want to be a part of or to clubs I didn’t feel comfortable in. I refused to do jobs that weren’t in my job description and have my work ethic abused just because I’d become known as reliable. I stopped shrinking myself to allow those around me to grow. And yes, it ended some friendships/relationships, I’d tipped the scales and made people wary of me. I cut my strings and took the power of my decision away from the puppet masters I’d once called friends. I was no longer easy to coerce or a push over. And those who respected my change of attitude got to experience the best version of me.

6. I published a book.

An anthology actually, of poetry. Those thoughts and feelings that had caused me to start writing again had been weaved into a collection of poems which is now named ‘Fragments.’ (Available world wide on Amazon).

And now my family and those few supportive friends that purchased it have a copy of my book on their bookshelf, on their coffee table, stuffed under their bed. And that is something I’m proud of. The response I got from Fragments actually drove me to publish a sequel months later, ‘Limerence.’ (Also available world wide on Amazon).

7. I reapplied for University.

Two years had passed and I out of the blue decided to spend the £25 and apply to some universities, this time to study English seen as I’d rediscovered my love for writing. Three weeks later, I’d received unconditional offers from every University that I applied for, based on my UCAS points from my College grades. I remember having to wait for  two months the first time I applied, so I was pretty shook to get offers so quickly. Obviously there was no reason for them not to reply, they didn’t have to wait on my results day. I had a small breakdown and called all my friends to try and get their advice on where to go. I decided on Brighton. I decided to move to the other end of the country, to the land of bread cakes instead of barms and cheesy chips (which are buff obviously) instead of chips and gravy (the O.G.). And it turns out it was the best decision I have ever made. The friends I’ve made whilst in Brighton are people I know I’ll stay friends with for life. The pieces I’d tried to force together the first time round seemed to just fall into place. Georgia always used to say to me ‘trust the timing of your life.’ And it turns out she’s pretty woke.

See you at graduation! Class of 2020…

(I’ll be 24 and my flat mates will be 20, LOOL).

It’s 2018, I’ve just had one of my favourite days ever celebrating Easter weekend and brunching with the best people. I’m excited to return to Brighton and reunite with my little Uni family and I smile more than I ever did.

There’s an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where one of the characters, Callie is at a stand still in her life, she reminisces about how she used to love her life and dance in her underwear. She becomes upset when she realises that she doesn’t do that anymore… The episode ends with her getting back into her old routine, stripping down to her gruds and shimmying. I never used to dance in my underwear, but I do now.

Underwear dancing music preferences include:

Dua Lipa – Self Titled Album

Lady Gaga – Born This Way

Superfruit – Future Friends

Beyonce – Self Titled Album